Yes,what do you want?

Are you taking exceptioon to my use of the word soccer, or just suggesting that Julian Dicks didn't actually play association football, he just ran around kicking people who were playing it?

Remember the Fulham fans chanting "Dicks out" just before they sacked Alan Dicks?

Mick

That'll be because it's your turn with Snow White tonight.

Mick

both

about bloody time

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it says the Biker?"
menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, you whimp," the biker says, " I can't stand to see a grown man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man and a dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

I asked one of my Yorkshire mates how many sexual partners he'd had?
Unfortunately he fell asleep whilst counting ...

Mick

you don't have any mates in Yorkshire

Baaahhhh ....

Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"

Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."

Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."

Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque..
So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Deputy Prime Minister?"

Clegg stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm very good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, deputy Prime Minister?"

Funny and true, the useless tw#t.

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in England now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in England and now my name is Kevin."

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?" she asked.

"Well ma'am, shortly after becoming an Englishman, I was attacked by two f****** Arabs."

I sent my girlfriend a text. "When I get home from work I want you to give me head""Could you be a little more romantic x?" came the reply."When I get home from work I want you to give me head next to a candle".

just been sacked as a bingo caller.
apparently "a meal for 2 with a hairy view" is not the way to call 69