Stupid - why order a coffee in a bar ?

He was blind - he thought it was a coffee bar!

(a twist to the "iron bar" joke)

G

Water....
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK", said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

"Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

GRANNIES ON THE ROAD AGAIN.....

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state
trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.. He thinks to himself, "This
driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.. Approaching the car,
the notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and
three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts..

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand.
I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the
route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned
and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.


"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.



Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get
out and check - you were driving.'



The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.



'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie. Five hours
later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big
grin on his face.



'My god, what happened to you? 'asks Cherie.



The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter
made love to me. '



'What on earth did you say? 'asks Cherie.



'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm
Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know.

It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you’re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you’re a pansy. If you work too hard ... there’s never any time for her. If you don’t work enough..... you’re a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... This is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay..... You should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... That is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ...... it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ...... it’s male indifference. If you cry ... you’re a wimp. If you don’t ...... you’re an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ....... you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that’s domination. If SHE asks you ... it’s a favour. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear.... you’re a pervert. If you don’t ... you’re gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you’re sexist... If you don’t ... you’re unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ...... you’re vain. If you don’t ... you’re a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you’re after something. If you don’t ... you’re not thoughtful. If you’re proud of your achievements ... you’re full of yourself. If you don’t ... you’re not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she’s tired. If you have a headache ...... You don’t love her anymore. If you want it too often.... you’re oversexed... If you don’t ... There must be someone else.

Why do men die first?


Because they want to.

A girl goes to her doctor and asks "How many calories are there in semen?"

Doc replies "Honey if you swallow nobody gives a shit if your fat"

Tommy Cooperism's -


1.Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23.. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
__________________

Got home from work the other night, and my missus had left me and taken my Bob Marley collection.

And she took the f#ckin satellite dish.

















No woman, no sky.

Mick

Favourite TCism:-

Pllaying darts last night with my mate I said nearest the bull for start he went Baaaa, I went Mooo he said you start.

Two Irishmen on their first holiday to Florida go camping in the everglades. They see an alligator with a guys head and arms aticking out of its mouth. Paddy turns to Mick and says 'Bejaysus Mick, look at that flash f*cker in the Lacoste sleeping bag!"

here's a good one :-

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable!'

All the furore about the gender confusion over winner of the womens 800m at the world championships amazes me.

Did no-one at the IAAF take the none too subtle hint from 'her' entry form Caster Semenya.

And her name is an anagram of 'Yes A Secret Man' (read on sickapedia)

It's strange, a woman wins an 800 metre race by a long distance and is classed as a freak - a man wins over 100 & 200 metre by the same distance and he is a hero

A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no-one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."

Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. Of course, he was right again.

Throughout the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."


Mick