Silly me I thought it was the mains

Just had an Email from the Olympic Stadium ticket agency saying as I was not successful in the first round of ticket distribution would I like to be entered into the second round.

I can be elegible for up to 55,000 tickets for West Ham V Doncaster.

did you also get that email newsflash about 23 people found stuck to the ceiling and walls of a train in Dublin? Police believe Irish muslims have set off the 1st ever no nails bomb.

Ryan Giggs what a career. Has been in 7 FA Cup finals, 5 league cup finals, 3 champions league finals and 1 Big Brother quarter finalist

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Ryan Giggs today admitted to be suffering from home sickness,

saying that even though he is happy in Manchester

he does Miss Wales occasionally



----------------------



Imogen Thomas has just launched a singing career

to cash in on her on her current fame.

At the moment she`s only doing giggs in Manchester



A film is being made about a footballer who takes

out a super injunction to stop a Welsh girl revealing

their seven month affair, its called Saving Ryans Privates

Oooooh, his lawyers are going to so nail you.

Mick

I've got sod all.It's all the missus',so bring it on

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could
find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a
line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new
acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As
he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite
crowded,
and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the
house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked
him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned
to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her
in
English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of
trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a
wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine
for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
and
drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the
bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic
music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew
a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They
danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was
in the furniture business.

WAL-MART INTERVIEW

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.
Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked,
'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.'
It just pops into your head.. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm..let me see
'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened...
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.
''Excellent!' said Jennifer.
'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.'

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.
'Yip,TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.'
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer
and thought she had found her man
'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man,
Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Louie replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers,
it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA..'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...
'Oh sure', said Louie.
'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,
and I ran for the bathroom,
but before I could THINK,
BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants..

'Louie is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You will probably think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to
describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely..... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"


His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.............

THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
Cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.



For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
She would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
Down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
In the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls
And a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me
The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that
If I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

This explains everything you need to know about %

Consider this :-

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I' m going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eaglepose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........








"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'
`

'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'