PMSL - literally? - that is a step up from merely spilling it.

G

There, fixed it.

While shopping in Asda this morning, I became concerned at the sell by date policy they are now using. While walking down the fruit and veg aisle I noticed black cabbage in one of the baskets.

Luckily Katie Price came along and took him home.

> The Senior Wedding

> Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about
> their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,
> and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.
>
> Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
> "Are you the owner?"
> The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
>
> Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
> Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
>
> Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
> Pharmacist: "All kinds."
> Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
> Pharmacist: "Definitely."
>
> Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
> Pharmacist: "You bet!"
>
> Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
> Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
>
> Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping
> pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
> Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
> Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
> Pharmacist: "We sure do."
>
> Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
> Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
>
> Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
> Pharmacist: "Sure."
>
> Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

You sure it wasn't her twin sister, Asda Price.

I think any jokes made against Harvey Price are just plain wrong. People have no idea how hard things are for him. From the second he wakes up to the second he falls asleep his life is constant struggle, a huge battle against embarassment and humilation.

But oh well, you can't choose your parents I guess.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant..

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

Even Asda isn't as cheap as Katie !

good punch line to the punch line

G

The top 10 one liners (and yes, I know some of them are two lines) from the Edinburgh festival were judged to be:

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

I like 2 and 5.

G

I'm glad i didn't go to embra to listen to that pile of shite. Jokes are meant to be funny. Some of them are witty, but there's not much laugh out loud stuff.

Mick

a couple of them have been shortened from much longer jokes which were originally funny - like the Snow White one - it was originally an Essex girl who was struggling to log on because her password had too many letters for her to remember.

G

SEX AFTER DEATH?



A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come

back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:



"Sue..........Sue"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course. I

have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more
times. Then I have lunch

(you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course,
then pretty much have sex

the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late

at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all
over again"



"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"



"No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas!!"