An Englishman,Irishman,Scot and Welshman went to a night club in London with a Frenchman,a German,a Swiss,a Belgian,an Italian,a Spaniard,a Portugese,a Russian,aCzech,a Romanian,a Pole,an Indian,a Chinese,an Australian but were refused entry.When they asked why the doorman replied,"We can't let you in without a Thai"

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of
marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful
tirade , listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had
been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,
emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire list of unmet needs
she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to
stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her
breasts and tenderly touched them , while kissing her passionately as her
husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while
basking in the glow of high arousal.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at
least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed. On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed. On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again. On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" Okay," said God, "You've got a deal." So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you! ENJOY

That's a classic Ray!

Brilliant Ray At Last "the meaning of life"!

Masterpiece Ray

Not my own work,but I enjoyed it as well so thought it might be appreciated

Appreciated here dude. Bang on.

Unfortunately the chattering classes who run the country haven't got a ciue.
Mick

Ray, we'll all be looking forward to your standup act when we next meet up in London!

You're more likely to hear him mutter it in his sleep.
One elbow in his curry and his hand with a vulcan death grip on his beer so they can't take it away before he wakes up again.
Mick

so we're talking sit down as opposed to stand up?

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES .....
Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!

I thought you were fed up with people always trying to put you down.............

Thought that gnomads didn't have family doctors.

A dog and a senior citizen ..... did this take place in Stockport ?