Overheard in the men's room at the bar...

"I bought my wife a new Toyota. She didn't like it. She said she wanted something that would go from 0-200 in less than three seconds. I went and got the bathroom scale and told her to stand on it."

just separated from the wife. Apparently I was getting erections in inappropriate places......last night it was in her sisters arsehole.

pmsl

The wife said to me last night ''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse."
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

You two are a sick pair of [inappropriate comment withdrawn on the advice of my legal team - began with an f ]...

An oldie,but worth seeing again

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went
on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the
girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one
of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began
hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away
from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'

E-MAIL FROM AN ARAB STUDENT TO HIS
DAD


An Arab student sends an e-mail to
his dad, saying:



Dear Dad

Berlin is
wonderful, people are nice and I really
like it here, but Dad, I am a
bit ashamed to arrive
at my college with my
pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB
when all my teachers and many
fellow students
travel by
train.

Your
son, Nasser

The
next day, Nass*****....er gets a reply to his e-mail

***his dad:



My dear loving
son

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred

to your account.

Please stop embarrassing
us.
Go and get
yourself a train too.
< BR>
Love, your
Dad

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

OH FOR F*CKS SAKE! WHERE'S THE LID FOR MY BIRO?
Sorry about that, I've just got all this pen top frustration at the moment.

All classic actual insults made by famous people -some obviously menat as jokes but others more pointed.

POLITICAL INSULTS

“He has been going around the country deliberately stirring up apathy” - William Whitelaw on Harold Wilson
“When they circumcised Herbert Samuel, they threw away the wrong bit” - David Lloyd George on the Liberal home secretary
“Tell him I can only deal with one sh-- at a time” -Winston Churchill on being disturbed in his toilet by a call from the Lord Privy Seal
“His smile is like the silver fittings on a coffin” - Benjamin Disraeli on Robert Peel

PERSONAL INSULTS

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends” - Oscar Wilde
“It is a typical triumph of modern science to find the only bit of Randolph which is not malignant, and remove it” - Evelyn Waugh, upon hearing that Randolph Churchill had been operated on for a benign tumour
“Her trouble is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power of speech” - George Bernard Shaw
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts – for support rather than illumination” - Andrew Lang

ROYAL INSULTS

“They have sent me a Flanders mare!” - King Henry VIII on Anne of Cleves
“A huge fur ball on two overdeveloped legs” - Nancy Mitford on Princess Margaret
“He’s a world expert on leisure. He’s been practising it all his life” - Neil Kinnock on the Duke of Edinburgh
“Such an active lass. She loves nature in spite of what it did to her” - Bette Midler on Princess Anne

FILM STAR INSULTS

“After Braveheart, they said he’d never make a true Scotsman, but look at him now – alcoholic and racist” - Frankie Boyle on Mel Gibson
“Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat, she puts mayonnaise on her aspirins” - Joan Rivers
“A face to launch a thousand dredgers” - Jack de Manio on Glenda Jackson
“His acting is so bad, even his impersonation of a drunk is unconvincing” - Critic Harry Medved on Dean Martin
“Just because she’s dead doesn’t mean she’s gonna change” - Bette Davis on Joan Crawford

LITERARY INSULTS

“Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable, sodding rotters, the flaming sods, the snivelling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make up England today. God, how I hate them” - DH Lawrence after having his manuscript of 'Sons and Lovers’ rejected
“That’s not writing, it’s typing” - Truman Capote on Jack Kerouac
“Literary awards are like haemorrhoids. Sooner or later, every ----hole gets one” - Frederic Raphael
“He chews more than he bites off” - Clover Adams on Henry James
“So boring, you fall asleep halfway through her name” - Alan Bennett on Arianna Stassinopoulos (now Huffington)
“I have tried to read Shakespeare, and I found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me” - Charles Darwin

SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS

“[You are a] knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch” - Kent in 'King Lear’
“I would not marry her, though she were endowed with all that Adam had left him before he transgressed” - Benedick in 'Much Ado About Nothing’
“She hath more hair than wit, and more faults than hairs, and more wealth than faults” - Speed in 'The Two Gentlemen of Verona’

MEN v WOMEN INSULTS

“In my experience, men are creatures with two legs and eight arms” - Jayne Mansfield
“I married beneath me. All women do” - Lady Astor
“Biologically speaking, you are more likely to be attacked by the female of the species” - Desmond Morris
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily” - Count Talleyrand
“Women should be obscene and not heard” - Groucho Marx
“Being a woman is a terribly difficult business, as it consists principally of dealing with men” - Joseph Conrad
“The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers” - Woody Allen
“Sir, you are drunk.” - “Indeed, madam, and you are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning” - Winston Churchill to Bessie Braddock

SPORTING INSULTS

“I don’t think heading the ball has got anything to do with it. Footballers are stupid enough anyway” - A Football Association spokesman refuting a claim that heading the ball could cause brain damage
“Most people are using two-piece cues now, but Alex Higgins doesn’t have one because they don’t come with instructions” -
Steve Davis
“He can’t kick with his left foot, he can’t head, he can’t tackle, and he doesn’t score many goals. Apart from that, he’s all right” - George Best on David Beckham
“The only time he opens his mouth is to change feet” - Irish golfer David Feherty on Nick Faldo
“What problems do you have, apart from being blind, unemployed and a moron?” - John McEnroe to a Wimbledon spectator

"If you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee" - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"If you were my wife, I'd drink it" - Churchill, in reply

Something to offend just about everybody here




Paddy got arrested in B&Q today for punching an African woman at the till.
He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get a
Black and Decker.

Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged
millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland , following the tragedy of
Hurricane Higgins.


Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to
try that wheelbarrow position tonight." His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your
legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions.. First, if it hurts
you stop immediately and, second, .... we don't go down past my mother's
house!"


My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last
night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used
something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"


I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my
testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's
normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!" She replied, "No, but I have!"


Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or
drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve. Never has the term,
"Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!


A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts
breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it
all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it
all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up. I should've
got off four stops ago!"


French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"


The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His funeral is next
Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.


I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber
jacket. Touchy basta*ds!


Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ then I saw her face ...............


I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch,
so I've named him Birmingham .


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'


Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

A couple were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door !"

A couple off the County board:

My work colleague asked me, " Why do you keep a picture of your Missus on your desk if you hate her so much?"
I replied, "In case I'm tempted to take a day off work ..."


I had to call round my neighbour's earlier to explain this one ...
"Sorry Mate, but I've just run over your cat's foot."
"Shit!", he said, "Is he alright?"
"Not really... He was scratching his head at the time."