The plastic stacker chair

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozinIE-E0wM&feature=related

A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . it was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .’ Keep off the grass.’

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing which said ‘Sorry . . . I had to mow the lawn.’

How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One? Two?, One? Two?, One?...

Just been looking at The Beatles website, they have a large Help! section.

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:


Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?


Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?


Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.


Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.


Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.


Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?


Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?


Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.


Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.


Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.


Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

What do you call a Scottish Muslim with a drug problem?



AMAF MAHEED

Banking crisis

If the global crisis continues at the present rate,
By the end of this year, only two banks will be left operational.

The Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And before you know it, these two will merge,
And the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.

Andy Murray achieved something that Tim Henman never could.......he lost the Wimbledon final.

G

Even if some/all have been posted before it's still worth another read-

On the Day when the Mrs. came into the lounge and says "Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy
finishes".


My girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've shagged.
I said, 'I really don't want 2 answer that love, you know I've had a past & I
don't want 2 upset you!'
'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'
So I had to sit there and count them all. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10,
11, 12.

A husband emerged from the bathroom clearly aroused and naked. As he leapt
into bed his wife complained, as usual, "I've a headache!" "Perfect!" her
husband exclaimed. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with
crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to
you!"

My Wife asked me to go to the Doctors about my Erection problem, she wasn't
pleased when I came back and gave her some Slimming Pills

A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly hurt in a car crash. A
few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood
back!.
So she throws a tampon in his face and says "there you go you miserable git,
I'll pay you back monthly!" And the moral of this story is :- Even if a
woman eventually pays back what she owes a man!, there will ALWAYS be a
string attached!.

I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced 'all the married men out
there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living'. The barman
was crushed to death

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on
it

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally
the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I look fat in this".
I replied, " Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom".

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father ?" he asked

"Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied.

I Phone 5 will be on sale soon.. I've checked with Apple..
They're not sure exactly what date it will be released, but it's definitely this WINTER.
I've put my name on the list for when they do.

The sales rep said there is a two year waiting list and I was number 2,794,587,692!

What's the cost? It doesn't matter what it costs, I'm getting one. See the prototype below -


http://ourlighterside.com/stuff/new-x-phone/ATT000441.gif

Two Aussies, named Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Ferret stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed it vigorously and sure enough out popped a genie .

This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher and . . . The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going Dickhead! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

HaHaHa!! I'll have one too!!!

I've heard demand is out-stripping demand .......

I resemble that remark / joke

The name Ferret brought back some memories of a sketch comedy show in Australia in the 1980's / 1990's called 'Fast Forward'. Two of the characters featured were a skinhead couple called Michelle and Ferret. Michelle was played by Magda Szubanski of 'Kath And Kim' fame. See below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5YTYLPwOFs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWI-w22HaYU

Cliff Richard meets a fan from China
'I ruv you cliff! I ruv song called 'itchy Sore fanny !'
'I didnt sing a song called that!' says Cliff
The Fan says ' yes you did..it went Itchy Sore fanny how we dont talk anymore'