There's a guy who does a Sinatra tribute act, and one night he finishes the show a little early so he asks the audience if they have any requests. A woman gets up and says "It's my birthday today and I really love dogs, can you sing me a song about a dog?"

He says "But I only do Sinatra songs, he didn't do any about dogs".

She says "Oh go on, it's my birthday, please do one".

So he starts: "Strangers in the night..."

She says "I know that song and it's not about dogs".

He says "Hang on, I haven't finished yet. Scooby-dooby-doo..."

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".


A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related.


Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

"Cliff Richard meets a fan from China
'I ruv you cliff! I ruv song called 'itchy Sore fanny !'
'I didnt sing a song called that!' says Cliff
The Fan says ' yes you did..it went Itchy Sore fanny how we dont talk anymore'"

Ray,

The same guy met Stevie Wonder a few days later and asked him to play a jazz chord. Stevie was really happy that someone respected his keyboard skills as well as his voice. He played up and down the keyboard, using every arpeggio and scale he knew.

The guy then said "Stevie, I asked play jazz chord." So Stevie repeated his previous display of genius.

The guy then shouted out again. Stevie replied "I just did...."

The guy responds "No, play "I jazz chord to say I love you...."

S xx

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
“I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US ,
we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor
wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
“Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!”

A link to Stan Boardmans Focke Wolf Joke on the Des o Conner show. . Hilarious just to see Des's reaction of total despair, he knows what is coming on prime time family tv.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31rGnAeu-Jc

Fred & Edna........



Fred was visiting his wife Edna who was a patient in a mental hospital. While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Fred suddenly slipped and fell into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse/Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Fred hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry...

How soon can I go home?'

MTH sighting in spoof Bowie blog.
Well it made me grin.

Subject: OLYMPIC BLOOPERS

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”

5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”

8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”

9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them…Oh my God, what have I just said?”

No wonder NBC's coverage got a slating - there was no softball this year, and Julian Dicks never played Olympic soccer (and in fact finished his top-flight career in 1999).
Yeah, all right, I'm a picky bastard

i don't remember Julian Dicks playing soccer - now who's a picky b*stard??

Hey, I just copied and pasted. I didn't edit or fact check.

They are old one's, just re-hashed for the Olympics

These on the other hand are so beta fresh they are covered with morning dew:

These are the top 10 funniest jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival

my favourite is number 4 (my bookcase is bigger)

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

Fresh maybe, and in a couple of cases a smidgeon of low level wit.
But about as funny as a fart in a phone box.

I think I'll be giving the embra mutual back-slapping fest a miss.
Mick

Grumpy