Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH!'
Here I
come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ...
UGH!' ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?'
The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing.. I just couldn't get an erection.'

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.'

an oldie

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched
in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome
of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your
pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal
position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?


4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.


6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant, and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?


7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemploy ment for themselves and their relatives.
If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.


8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما< /SPAN> هو الربح له؟

Amusing,but frightening as to the possibilities..........

I thought modern maths was based on the arabic concept of number?

I blame it all on decimilsation bring back LP's at 29/11...

and singles at 6/4d

those maths are just toooo close to reality

6/4d!!

My first single was 7/6d [Theme to Good Band Ugly - Hugo Montenegro] - it took me a month to save up for it...

Then I found the bargain basement bin Green Tambourine - Lemon Pipers for a 1/-...

Dedicated Follower of Fashion - Local record shop re-opened that day after a refit and opened by Gary Leeds (Walker Bothers) and got signed card with it,

Run Run Run - Jo Jo Gunne costing 45p (9/-) on the Asylum label. I can still remember the smell of the disc.

I don't mean to make anyone feel old but I'm not old enough to remember pre-decimal coinage so I just had to look up what a "d" was.

Saying that I now feel old as my first single actually physically existed in the form of a CD. Nowadays I guess some people's first singled will have been downloaded.

...ask the Pretty Things. They sang about £sd. - only the £ is pronounced as L.

G

So Sonic,what was this seedy single you bought?.......

Jay Ferguson on lead vocals! That's a COOL song!

One of the fortunate few of tender years with the intelligence to have musical taste.

Unfortunately (age wise but not in taste) my first record I owned (bought for me) was a 78 of High Noon by Frankie Laine.


So Sonic I'm a complete geriatric dinosaur to your generation.