Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA











To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II



In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)



Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).



Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.



Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:



1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

____________ God Save the Queen! ___________





PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

I can only assume, rgw, that your list is not exhaustive. Certainly modern dentistry will be outlawed, as well as any food that has what we here in the colonies call "flavor." Any food to which vinegar is added to actually improve the taste will take a bit of getting used to over here.

You could add vinegar to "the king of beers" and it would improve it by giving it some taste ...................

I was going to join the local tourettes club, but couldn't be bothered. I heard that the swearing in of the oath takes all day.

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Makes sense.

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six?"

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk ?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

An inconsiderate man lets loose a mighty fart in a crowded elevator... that's just wrong... on so many levels.

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy
trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do
you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go
out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy. After a moment of consideration,
the preacher asked, Will you take my bike
in trade for it?'

The little boy asked if he could try it out first,
and, after riding the bike around a little while, said,
'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a
few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little
boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.' The little boy said,
'That's because you have to cuss at it to
get it started.' The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been
so long since I became a Christian that I
don't even remember how to cuss.'

The little boy looked at him happily
and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya..

Love it.
Mick

Just told this to Ros and she said "You'd do that!"

Paul McCartney is already upset with his new wife, apparently she is spending twice as much on shoes as the last one

I was standing at the urinals next to a midget, when I noticed him winking at me. I turned my back a bit, but when I looked around he was still winking at me, so I said " whats your problem, do you fancy me or something? he said 'no you bastard, you're splashing my eyes!

How low can you get!?

When was RTM in Calgary?